If I ever opened a tiny club, I’d make sure it had the loudest and cleanest sound system, just to shake us all down from time to time. I would book a gang of “youfs” from Croydon and get them to do a Friday night set of pure dubstep just for the fuck of it. I’d know I could make a mint playing disco, but I’d keep it real. And fuck it, why not do a night? A Thursday night where producers submit their own beats to the DJ, who then plays them on the super sound system.

I think that’d be a great club – good thing it already exists. It’s called Plastic People.